it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
