Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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