Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
