Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
