ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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