Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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