we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize