just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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