i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize