im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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