it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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