so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
