at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
