The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
