dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
