oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
