I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
