Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
