seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
