smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
