alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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