There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
