Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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