I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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