I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
