he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
