Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
