My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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