just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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