I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
