Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
