YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
