so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
