I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
