Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
