So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize