How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So many bounce houses so little time
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
