Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
