When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
