Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
