So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
