I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
