So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize