Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
