Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
