I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
