Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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