sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Princesses don't give blow jobs
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
