Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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