i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My hand turned me down
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
