some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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