Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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