thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
