I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
