when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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