All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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